i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
