she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
