Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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