I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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