hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
