I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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