I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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