it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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