I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
