dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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