I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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