I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
