I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
your like the ambassador to my penis.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize