I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
