I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
