You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
