This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
