afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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