They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
