Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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