i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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