Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
