I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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