you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
