You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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