Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
