He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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