I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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