I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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