I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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