im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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