Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
