I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am available for nakedness
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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