remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
