he shaved USA in his pubs
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
