she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
