Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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