if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
