i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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