So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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