On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
