Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
