My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Randomize
