How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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