Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
