my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
