I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you would pick up someone in the library
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize