This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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