mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
