I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize