A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
