I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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