How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
