thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
