he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize