i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My liver just had a heart attack.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
