I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
