alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
