this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
