The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
