I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
