I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
