A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
