Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
