I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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