am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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